The Source of Love

Fish swimming.

If you think this is going to be inspiring or uplifting, think again.

I kind of got you on the title, didn’t I? You would be forgiven for expecting a serious Kumbaya session, but that’s not what’s about to happen.

One of the effects of awakening in the way I did is the gift (or onslaught) of a profound and penetrating vision. Vision is not entirely accurate, because it involves many other senses, and has nothing to do with the eyes, but you get the basic idea. I don’t use the vision so much as it uses me, to what end, who knows?

From the moment I awoke, and every minute after, I’ve sensed this incredible love pervading everything, from the discarded chewing gum on the sidewalk to the stars in the heavens.

It pervades all things, even horrible things, even painful things. It’s just there, like a pounding heart beat I can’t ignore. I can feel it pounding away, through my very body, and through everything else. Everything has become slow and viscous. Air is thick and viscous to me, and all this extra “texture” is just this love filling each and every moment. Filling all my senses. It’s really distracting, actually. I’ve gotten used to it, but it took me some years. It’s downright orgasmic.

The love says, “I AM I AM I AM.” Each I AM more exuberant than the last, it seems.  I breathe it, I am it, everything is a manifestation of this pulsing, ecstatic love.

One day, I was so overcome by it, more so than usual.

I couldn’t focus on anything else and so I just sat and let it roar in my ears and pound through my sinews. And then something happened. I popped out of myself and out, very, very far. I can’t really explain it, so you’ll have to just roll with my faltering prose here.

I was suddenly no longer within the love pulse, but rather outside of the entire system. There was this vast Absolute, which might seem to some like a great featureless Void or Abyss. It was everywhere, and completely beyond description of any kind. The mind just stops cold when it apprehends this thing. It’s the beginning and the end, though it contains nothing.

Suddenly there appeared a woman, small as a speck, floating in this Absolute.

She is so small, but she is the only “thing” to be seen anywhere, and she is making a tiny sound. I zoom in and from this sound she is making, she is producing and devouring our entire world. Not just Earth, but the entirety of manifestation. She births and devours through this I AM, without regard for what she creates or devours. She is ecstatic to be, for she is the only thing that exists. The love that creates worlds is her lust of being, and it is an aberration, some strange anomaly within the Absolute that keeps its own momentum, like a perpetual motion machine, sensible only to one thing…being, lusting for only one thing.

I popped back into my personal perspective.

This was the single most disturbing knowledge I’ve ever perceived. The source of love, bliss and ecstasy is a nearly mechanical, mindless lust of being, an anomaly, a speck in the Absolute.

I think almost no one will understand what I’m talking about. I’ve read one awakened person make a very brief mention of it before he passed away, and he was relieved to be taking his leave of this existence to return to the Absolute.

Sometimes you see things you just can’t unsee. They are so enormous, with such implications as to turn your very being inside out. For myself, I just leave it. There is no need to do anything. or to try and understand it or pursue it. Though, of course, nothing could ever be the same again. I still let the bliss, the love, wash over me. After all, I am that. But I’m no longer enamored with it. I don’t see it as something inherently good, it just is.

What’s beyond love, beyond that relentless I AM pulse? Once you get outside that maddening drone, the endless mantra of existence, there is suddenly a great annihilating silence.

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