The Power of No

Two toy figures.

Set healthy boundaries, especially with family and friends.

The holidays are a wonderful time to embrace the potency of saying no.

As I write this we’re putting a wrap on November and heading into the frenzy of winter holidays, American Style.

Just insert yourself into your favorite Hieronymus Bosch painting, dole out a few Santa hats and candy canes and that’s pretty much what I’m talking about.

It’s the perfect time of year to practice saying no. Not an apologetic no, the one where you have to qualify and explain and justify and negotiate (to yourself or to others). Look inside yourself, past the people pleasing, past the lack of personal authority and find that uncompromising no. The no that owes no explanation.

It’s not a defensive no. It’s not a no that contains a subext of “I don’t give a giddy fook how you feel about this.” It’s a no that is so secure in itself, in the authority from which it comes, that it doesn’t need to defend itself, even internally.

Spend money, eat, drink, drive here and there, shop, shop, shop, Secret Santa, obligatory cocktail parties, cook, bake, look for parking, people you don’t like, situations that drain you, what am I doing? Why am I here? Frenzy. One more party. Last minute gifts. Sugar. Booze. Social Media immersion hell.

And yet…for us in the Northern Hemisphere at least…it’s winter! Winter is pure magic. Winter is the depth of the heart’s delight. Winter holds the promise of what’s next, but yet unseen, unknown. Winter holds the whispers of lives past and yet to be lived. Don’t squander your winter magic, people.

Find your no. Get used to wielding it…it takes some skill to do it well. 

It takes time for people around you to adjust to this, perhaps heretofore unknown, no. It can feel really uncomfortable at first, for you and for everyone else. So be patient with yourself and with them. 

Using the uncompromising no internally also takes some getting used to. Sometimes it’s ourselves or our reflexive tendencies we need to say no to. Are you indulging in food or booze that feels good for five minutes and then just makes you sick? Are you indulging in soggy old-era emotions, habits or attitudes? When you say no internally, watch to see if there is any reaction. 

This can range from negotiating with yourself, justifying your no, or even feeling smug and oh so self-congratulatory. Can you say no and then drop the whole thing, immediately? This kind of no that I’m talking about has nothing beyond it — you’ve dropped any possibility of whatever it is you said no to and so it doesn’t exist for you, it no longer has anything to do with you. 

Say yes to everything you love, or to things you truly want or need to do, or even frivolities you truly want to engage in…this isn’t about being grim after all.

But do learn to say no-full-stop. The no that annihilates. The no that is true. And carry this forward beyond the holidays…see what happens!

“It is better for me to offend him once, than myself every day. That would be perpetual slavery.”

Montaigne
Essay: Ceremony of Interviews Between Kings

More Basic Human Series

How can I cope with the pain of life

How To Cope With The Pain of Life

The world is going to break your heart. To pieces. Or maybe it will feel more like having your heart slowly wrung out, like a wet rag, until the last possible drop is squeezed out. Whether it’s the shattering impact of sudden trauma or a long, grinding away, like being slowly but surely overtaken by a glacier — heartbreak happens.

mastering emotions and thoughts

What’s You and Not You

Today let’s investigate what’s you, and what’s not you. What’s yours and what’s not yours. These are topics we work on at length in the Peerless series. If you have any impulse toward being the author of your own life, these are areas of daily inquiry and awareness.

cultivating growth mindset

How did we get so stuck?

Keeping the growth mindset throughout your life. The societal demand to answer the question “who are you” leads to self-image fixation. If you switch from living in a state of image fixation, then you also need change (inner and outer) to remain at a certain pace, within a certain range. Literally, your body requires this.

Hot air balloons in the sky.

Working With Your Flaws Like a Pro

Tips on how to deal with your faults, failings and negative behaviors. How to handle the things you really don’t like about yourself.
Developing relentless curiosity. SOMETIMES A HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR REVEALS SOMETHING REALLY UNFLATTERING.

Disco balls.

Drama Addict

Why do I keep getting drawn into other people’s drama and conflict when I’m working on inner peace and tranquility? Are you a drama addict? Some of you will immediately recognize this in yourselves, and some will say, “No, that’s not me.” Let’s take a closer look.

Hand under water.

Continuing in the Face of Discouragement

I gather, guard and transmit my power, my essence, my signature. It’s really quite effortless and natural at this point, but can you even imagine all the times I bumbled through it? Don’t expect instant facility with clearing, filling or shielding. When you experience any facility with it, celebrate and appreciate it. Focus on the wins, mine every possible bit of useful information from instances where it doesn’t work as intended or expected.

Opportunity for Massive Personal and Spiritual Growth

I’m in lockdown. Coronavirus has completely unwoven the fabric of my life. So why am I so damn excited? Grinning from ear to ear. Of course, you couldn’t tell because I’m all masked up. The pandemic chaos is creating the most powerful energetic ground to make deep, fundamental changes in our lives. To move the immovable. To change the immutable. In a sense, to establish a new incarnation in the same body. 

Room filled with furniture.

Everything Must Go!

Yes, I hear you. You’ve got stuff you need to think about. Work issues, practical issues, it’s not all just emotional stuff rattling around in there. First of all, a great deal of your problem solving happens outside your conscious awareness. It’s then brought into your awareness and allowed to run through the “figuring it out” program, giving you the impression that you worked it out step by step, because that confirms the belief that you are logical, rational and in control. So, if that is what you are doing, okay. You get a pass. But just know it’s not strictly necessary.

Sunflowers.

What’s Your Ratio? Spiritual Consumption vs Practice

Are you serious about spiritual evolution, personal growth, deprogramming the mind, mastering your thoughts, emotions and focus? This bad habit may be holding you back.

Enter the sanctuary meditation.

Cutting etheric cords audio spell on youtube.

Should I become a spiritual hermit after awakening?