Deprogramming is not about improving one’s life. It’s about being oneself, within one’s life. It’s being the author of one’s life, within the parameters of life circumstances.
I hear that you are not into The Struggle. I’m not much of a fan myself. But I get the feeling that this exhaustion and movement toward surrender is about something else. Something other than feeling unenthusiastic about facing down the Programs.
Surrender comes when you’ve played out your hand and you can’t go any further in your current form, whatever than means. It’s not the same as letting life do what it’s going to do, because it’s going to do it anyway.
I hear you are sad and tired and sad of being tired and tired of being sad and wanting to just be done with it…just close the curtains on the false self, already! I’m tired of being me. No, no, my darling…you are tired of not being you! Of being revved up and driven in tight skid-producing figure eights in the Matrix Mall Parking Lot.
I’m not negating the way you feel. I can feel it, too, from you. But do be careful with how you describe this to yourself.
You’re lovely. And even if you weren’t enlightened, you wouldn’t mind being you if you weren’t subject to this relentless interference.
It’s like your persona is a beautiful little pony that has been captured and made to go round and round a millstone to grind wheat.
My impressions are simply that this is a mood trough after being in a state of high, tight anxiety. It’s like a wave, and this is the down wave and will be as low as your up wave was high. The up wave isn’t necessarily up as in happy or anything. It’s the up version of high emotional and mental tension, which cannot be sustained. It then dips because the system gets exhausted.
Repose and refreshment, how shall you get this rest? Put down your weapons, fears, aspirations. Stop climbing the mountain, trying to fix things. I hear your weariness. I hope you find a way to renew yourself on all levels. What makes you happy? What is simple and fills you up?
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Consider this:
You suffer because of your programming, and because you don't have command of yourself.
You'd like to be relieved of this suffering.
You don't want to do the work to deprogram yourself (because, perversely, the program is protecting itself by making that path seem vague or unappealing).
You need to feel like you are pursuing a solution, and you've latched onto the one that is most unlikely (statistically) to occur anytime soon...enlightenment.
And...you also have a sincere calling toward spirituality, but this content has been thrown in the compulsion machine, so it's hard for you to separate what part of this is really you and what is just a product of the machine.
My suggestion would be to make enlightenment a neat side interest and pursue deprogramming like everything—and I mean everything—is riding on it. This will be ridiculously hard. Not because it is so difficult or complicated, but because your programming will do everything to prevent you doing this.
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