It might. But Diane…I’m going to call you Diane, even though that is not your name…you said you had sex just a little while ago, and you felt a little strange and couldn’t sleep because you were terrified of being overtaken (presumably in your sleep) by kundalini. So, in short…nothing significant happened. Other than your intense anxiety that something would happen.
If this thing called kundalini is going to “overtake” you and basically do one more round of fuqing up your life, do you really think staying awake is going to stop it?
It seems like your anxiety is what is overtaking your life at the moment. There’s a difference between being afraid and overcome with anxiety. You can be afraid, but still be grounded — you see and accept your fear, but find the faith (in yourself) and strength and maybe even a bit of humor (it’s the only thing that will get you through some of this crap) and move forward.
Anxiety is where you freeze, you put yourself in a holding pattern, and you generally play the What If game until you kind of feel like you’re upside down under the waves, not able to tell which direction leads to the surface.
Having your life fuqed over by a bad kundalini activation doesn’t cause anxiety, Diane. I know it seems like they go together, but they don’t. If you’re paralyzed by anxiety, that is an underlying condition that is just brought up by the extreme and unknown experiences you’re going through. You can meet your fear with strength and humor or you can become anxious.
The fact that your marriage hangs in the balance of whether or not you’re going to have sex with your husband…right now, pretty much (because you expressed as much), isn’t about kundalini either. It’s about having professional (read: adult) grade communication and relational skills, or in this case, not having them.
It isn’t that you’re not having sex, it’s that you are withholding sex. If you were diagnosed with cancer and had to have a double mastectomy, I think your husband would understand if there was a disruption, even a kind of prolonged one, in your sex life. Stuff happens in life and a marriage doesn’t crumble because you don’t have sex for a while. It’s the avoidance, the hiding, the withholding…the shutting him out, that’s the problem.
And back to that…this theme of you being blocked and not being able to fully express, play, experience, own all of yourself…isn’t this what you went to Peru to fix in the first place?
Look, you have some serious issues that need to be addressed and none of them have to do with kundalini. I’ve elaborated in the video below. And I don’t know your husband, but he’s probably got some growth and evolution to get through as well. You guys can get through this as a couple, but you’ll need to turn some of your attention away from the kundalini circus to do some structural work on how you hold your space and how you communicate and how you deal with anxiety.
Meanwhile, with kundalini, slow everything down. Get back to the basics. Ground yourself. You know what’s really not grounding at all? Anxiety. There are very few things I can think of that are more ungrounding. So, what can you do to settle that down?
I had a pretty extreme kundalini activation. But what I didn’t experience was any anxiety. Was I afraid at times? Sure! There’s nothing like waking up one day to discover you can no longer read because you can’t understand what the letters mean. But my response to that wasn’t to freak out.
It is what it is…and what it is is passing. It’s in process. It’s moving. I didn’t turn, I can’t read at this moment to I can never read again. It moves. And sometimes it’s really scary, like when you’re driving and suddenly you forget how. Yes, it’s scary. But you can either get extra grounded through all of it or you can become anxious or even hysterical.
And at no point was this a marriage killer for me. If your marriage is in jeopardy, it’s not the kundalini, Diane. It’s the marriage.
No one can tell you what will kick up the kundalini in a bad way (because there are also ways it happens that are very blissful and amazing…it’s not all a shit show). This is the key: there are kundalini phenomena and there are your reactions to them. The best way to handle kundalini is to:
Gently open. Because it’s blowing through and will pretty much break anything standing in the way — it’s a bit like giving birth, it’s going to happen, so breathe and get rooted in whatever gives you strength.
Let it pass, because it’s not something that comes and stays. It’s a movement, a process. It might change you in this process, but you can’t look at the most extravagant thing that’s happening during the process and then extrapolate a fixed idea from that of what your “new reality” is. This is just your mind trying to fixate and come to a conclusion about something that it can’t know.
So imagine you’re on a high speed bullet train and you take a snapshot of your coordinates right now. Two seconds later, those coordinates have little importance to where you are or where you are going. They don’t accurately describe your current reality, because you are in a fast moving vehicle, and that’s a bit what kundalini is like. So resist the urge to draw a conclusion when you’re in the midst of some fast moving process.
Don’t get caught up in the kundalini story. It’s pretty meaningless. Stay rooted in your own experience and get better at understanding and interpreting and navigating that experience without the crutch of Kundalini Merch.
Get better at being a grown up person who owns her own feelings and experience and can reach out in both love and uncertainty, communicate, self sooth, give comfort to others, stay grounded, choose humor to deescalate drama and deal with underlying issues — places you haven’t evolved yourself into adulthood, ways in which you are not really functional under stress, patterns of hiding, withholding, and shrinking or collapsing.
These are just basic human things we all need to do, and when you’re put under some kind of extreme stress like a really negative and disruptive kundalini activation, those cracks and underdeveloped parts are going to become really prominent. That’s good in a way, because it’s harder to ignore them, though of course, you can still choose to do that too.
Look at your situation dispassionately. Do you have issues with anxiety or depression? IVF is hellish, you’ve been through a lot. I’m not suggesting you get a Prozac scrip…in fact, none of this should be construed as medical advice.Could the drugs in ayahuasca have induced a manic state?
Yes, yes…it’s plant medicine. What the fuq ever. Let’s be clear…these are powerful psychoactive drugs and nothing in those Come To Peru and Be Healed By Plant Medicine brochures tell you that taking ayahuasca can cause this thing called kindling (yep, a bonafide medical term, folks).
So if you had some kind of underlying condition — one which never included psychosis or full blown mania — taking powerful psychoactive drugs, including ayahuasca, can kindle your condition and kick you up into whatever fabulous next level of that is…including mania and psychotic episodes.
What I’m saying is, it’s not necessarily kundalni or a mental health issue. It can be both, and actually kundalini can activate and amplify existing, underlying emotional, relational and mental health issues.
Have you developed the kind of strong, resilient center of being that can be a refuge? The space that is always okay regardless of circumstances? I don’t mean okay as in happy, either.If so, reconnect with that. Stay grounded in that. That is something I developed long before my kundalini experiences shook my world, and it is what kept me, and keeps me still, from capsizing, regardless of what is happening in my life. It is the ability to own all my space, all my experiences and feelings, regardless of their nature.
When I was in the midst of the most intense and initial kundalini hoo ha, my aim was only ever to keep it from happening in public or in a way that would cause my family needless discomfort. I’ve detailed many of these tactics on this website, so I won’t reiterate all of them here.
I found yoga class was still okay, as long as I didn’t participate in the mantra at the end. I found listening to certain music would bring it on, so I didn’t do that around people. I’ve described my own very weird experience with kundalini and marital sex in another post.
All kundalini experiences are going to be weird. Some of them will be temporarily disabling. Many of them will be momentarily freaky. The way you choose to respond to these experiences is the key. And I said choose, but if you haven’t developed the faculties necessary to choose how you respond, then you will find yourself responding automatically, reflexively — and that’s going to just be a Best Of Rerun show of childhood coping mechanisms and unevolved programs.
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