Reader Q&A: Sex After Kundalini Awakening

Will having sex after Kundalini awakening cause further activation and unwanted side effects?

If you’ve experienced serious, destabilizing side effects after Kundalini awakening, you might be afraid to have sex again.

Obviously, this can damage an existing marriage or intimate relationship. In this reader Q&A, we look at one reader’s experience and predicament after Kundalini activation: avoiding sex and intimacy out of fear. 

Managing relationships after a difficult Kundalini activation can be really tricky. Everyone’s situation is unique, so let’s see if you can relate to this woman’s experience and learn something.

Reader Question: 

While I’m interested in having sex with my husband, I’m terrified that it will get things really moving again in some way.

At the moment, I’m very anxious to know about sex after kundalini awakening (my sense is that I’ve had a top down awakening, if that’s helpful – very head heavy, could see man’s ascent into the universe/heavens with eyes shut and closed, opening to third eye and potential psychic abilities one day).  I’m very curious based on what happened in your experience or what you’ve heard from people over the years. Please let me know as timing is of the essence (relationship is on the line the more that I wait!!!). Relationship is on the line right now with me holding back on sex.

Since what felt like a massive kundalini awakening in August (from what I understand to be a top down one since it was so in my head/third eye) and now coming back down to earth a bit, I’m really frightened of having sex with my husband in fear that it leads to a re-ignition of active kundalini.

My husband doesn’t really understand what has happened. We were in the midst of a cross-country move, and he had to take over everything related to that so we are just now starting to talk. While he has done a fair share of ayahuasca ceremonies (which brought mine on though he wasn’t with me), he also comes from a family where his dad is a heavy duty psychiatrist so my event in August was viewed as severe depression / psychosis.

We are just starting to have intimate conversations about my experience and what I viewed to be true (kundalini awakening). He is open to learning more and wants me to send him some articles (still have not done because I want to find ones that can distill it into layman’s/human terms) so he still doesn’t fully understand.

We’ve had sex only once after kundalini a few weeks back, and it left me feeling bit strange (still can’t remember exact sensations), and I couldn’t sleep (for fear of further activation/being overpowered by K in it). Before K, we had okay sex though I was working on being more open with him (we had sex but I was always a bit more shut down, this is one of the reasons that I found myself in Peru…to heal childhood trauma that may be blocking it; we have also spent the past year and a half trying for baby #2 to no avail along with IVF so you can imagine where that led us — not great, lively or consistent). After the shamans healing an intergenerational wound this summer, I felt really great and open like never before to having great sex and intimacy with him (though this lasted only a few days before full on kundalini activation started).

At this point, in some ways, I would like to explore sex with him and to see what that is like (our marriage won’t hold, of course, if we don’t try it) though (a) I’m frightened beyond belief that this puts me into some state of psychosis/disassociation again and (b) I am still feel quite disconnected from my body (generally speaking, disconnected from feelings though less than a few weeks prior).

I know that everyone is different but I’m dying for some advice on what you have gathered about kundalini and sex afterwards and potentially sending me into a tailspin again. Maybe we could take it really slowly and see how it goes??? I’m so scared!!!


STRAND Answer:

You have three pressing issues here: your marriage, which is currently on the ropes; an experience you interpret as a kundalini awakening, which has wreaked havok on your home life (more than stated here, but described to me more fully in a previous private consultation); and the fear of having sex.

If you have any notion of keeping these in neat separate baskets, that isn’t going to happen. They are all of a piece.

First, the kundalini awakening. Just as a thought experiment, what if you spent a few days looking at the experience you have had/are having without labeling it as kundalini…or anything for that matter. Just look at it without a filter. And if you find yourself needing to label it, notice that, too. Notice that pull, that impulse, and then set it aside for the duration of your experiment.

There are probably things you are not seeing, nuances of this experience you are not fully grasping, because you are busy labeling it, and then fitting your experience into that label. You can take up the label again when you’re done if you feel the need. But if you do, look objectively at it to find out why it’s important. Sometimes it is just convenient to have a label so you can communicate, internally or externally, but that’s just a practicality. It’s not a need. If you have a need for the label, you should examine this carefully.

What is your involvement in the label at this point? Does it obscure the actual experience? Kundalini is abstract and comes with tons of cultural and religious baggage, so when we use it (and I understand why we do), we need to be really careful not to take that on. Not to stumble over it. Not to be blinded by it. Not to be involved in it.

A top down kundalini? A sideways kundalini? A breach birth? A number #3 kundalini? I’m not mocking you at all here. I’m just pointing out that when we are experiencing something unknown and unprecedented in our social circles, we reach out and grab onto the first life raft that fits. We get involved in it and take on the baggage and pretty soon we’re avidly studying kundalini instead of just looking deeply at our own moment by moment experience, watching it evolve and learning to trust our own observations without the crutch of some ancient label that is full of cultural and religious influence.

Is there any way you’ve fallen into the trap of becoming Kundalni Girl? If so, it’s okay. It happens. You can change it.

It’s interesting that you went all the way to another continent to drink some revolting psychoactive sludge (yes, I’ve tasted it!) to remove your impediments to being more open and free in your sexual expression with your husband, and the result is that you are now totally shut down to the point where you feel your marriage is seriously at risk and you are terrified of having sex.

Just take the whole kundalini circus out of it, and look at that objectively.

Oh, fathers-in-law! Such adorable creatures, especially when they are psychiatrists. I feel for you. But…wait, what’s he doing in this story? This is a sacred bond between you and your husband. It doesn’t matter if his father is a shrink. Or does it? If so, why? If his father was an evangelical pastor and he believed you were possessed by a demon, would that have any weight in the situation?

To put a point on it, this is between you and your husband. The people close to you, but with ringside seats can have all kinds of feelings and opinions, but when it comes down to it, only you and your husband are in the ring. Your husband is a grown man and it doesn’t matter if his father is a “heavy duty” psychiatrist. Why is your father in law such an important figure in any of this?

I don’t know if you are getting the nuance here, but it’s pretty glaring to me. The feelings and opinions that matter in this case are yours and your husband’s. Full stop.

If anyone else is making a larger than life appearance, that is an issue you should look at carefully.  Your husband needs to be able to see you as you are and not through his father’s lens of reality.

With that said, how do you know you are not depressed or psychotic? I’m not saying you are, but I’m wondering if you’ve fully considered all possibilities here, or have you gone with the Spiritual Experience/Mental Health Crisis polarity…like these exist on two opposite ends of the spectrum and never happen at the same time.

I’ve seen two people take ayahuasca, have what I would call powerful kundalini activation…and become fully manic (during which time they became emotionally and practically destabilized, had bouts of psychosis, etc)…all while having kundalini activation. One of them recovered after, perhaps half a year or so.

The other became irreversibly psychotic. I’m not saying this is you, but I just hope you have not fallen for the notion that if kundalini is indeed activated, that you can’t also have a mental health issue at the same time.

Will sex trigger another destabilizing kundalini activation?

It might. But Diane…I’m going to call you Diane, even though that is not your name…you said you had sex just a little while ago, and you felt a little strange and couldn’t sleep because you were terrified of being overtaken (presumably in your sleep) by kundalini. So, in short…nothing significant happened. Other than your intense anxiety that something would happen.

If this thing called kundalini is going to “overtake” you and basically do one more round of fuqing up your life, do you really think staying awake is going to stop it?

It seems like your anxiety is what is overtaking your life at the moment. There’s a difference between being afraid and overcome with anxiety. You can be afraid, but still be grounded — you see and accept your fear, but find the faith (in yourself) and strength and maybe even a bit of humor (it’s the only thing that will get you through some of this crap) and move forward.

Anxiety is where you freeze, you put yourself in a holding pattern, and you generally play the What If game until you kind of feel like you’re upside down under the waves, not able to tell which direction leads to the surface.

Having your life fuqed over by a bad kundalini activation doesn’t cause anxiety, Diane. I know it seems like they go together, but they don’t. If you’re paralyzed by anxiety, that is an underlying condition that is just brought up by the extreme and unknown experiences you’re going through. You can meet your fear with strength and humor or you can become anxious.

The fact that your marriage hangs in the balance of whether or not you’re going to have sex with your husband…right now, pretty much (because you expressed as much), isn’t about kundalini either. It’s about having professional (read: adult) grade communication and relational skills, or in this case, not having them.

It isn’t that you’re not having sex, it’s that you are withholding sex. If you were diagnosed with cancer and had to have a double mastectomy, I think your husband would  understand if there was a disruption, even a kind of prolonged one, in your sex life. Stuff happens in life and a marriage doesn’t crumble because you don’t have sex for a while. It’s the avoidance, the hiding, the withholding…the shutting him out, that’s the problem.

And back to that…this theme of you being blocked and not being able to fully express, play, experience, own all of yourself…isn’t this what you went to Peru to fix in the first place?

Look, you have some serious issues that need to be addressed and none of them have to do with kundalini. I’ve elaborated in the video below. And I don’t know your husband, but he’s probably got some growth and evolution to get through as well. You guys can get through this as a couple, but you’ll need to turn some of your attention away from the kundalini circus to do some structural work on how you hold your space and how you communicate and how you deal with anxiety.

Meanwhile, with kundalini, slow everything down. Get back to the basics. Ground yourself. You know what’s really not grounding at all? Anxiety. There are very few things I can think of that are more ungrounding. So, what can you do to settle that down?

I had a pretty extreme kundalini activation. But what I didn’t experience was any anxiety. Was I afraid at times? Sure! There’s nothing like waking up one day to discover you can no longer read because you can’t understand what the letters mean. But my response to that wasn’t to freak out.

It is what it is…and what it is is passing. It’s in process. It’s moving. I didn’t turn, I can’t read at this moment to I can never read again. It moves. And sometimes it’s really scary, like when you’re driving and suddenly you forget how. Yes, it’s scary. But you can either get extra grounded through all of it or you can become anxious or even hysterical.

And at no point was this a marriage killer for me. If your marriage is in jeopardy, it’s not the kundalini, Diane. It’s the marriage.

No one can tell you what will kick up the kundalini in a bad way (because there are also ways it happens that are very blissful and amazing…it’s not all a shit show). This is the key: there are kundalini phenomena and there are your reactions to them. The best way to handle kundalini is to:

Gently open. Because it’s blowing through and will pretty much break anything standing in the way — it’s a bit like giving birth, it’s going to happen, so breathe and get rooted in whatever gives you strength.

Let it pass, because it’s not something that comes and stays. It’s a movement, a process. It might change you in this process, but you can’t look at the most extravagant thing that’s happening during the process and then extrapolate a fixed idea from that of what your “new reality” is. This is just your mind trying to fixate and come to a conclusion about something that it can’t know.

So imagine you’re on a high speed bullet train and you take a snapshot of your coordinates right now. Two seconds later, those coordinates have little importance to where you are or where you are going. They don’t accurately describe your current reality, because you are in a fast moving vehicle, and that’s a bit what kundalini is like. So resist the urge to draw a conclusion when you’re in the midst of some fast moving process.

Don’t get caught up in the kundalini story. It’s pretty meaningless. Stay rooted in your own experience and get better at understanding and interpreting and navigating that experience without the crutch of Kundalini Merch.

Get better at being a grown up person who owns her own feelings and  experience and can reach out in both love and uncertainty, communicate, self sooth, give comfort to others, stay grounded, choose humor to deescalate drama and deal with underlying issues — places you haven’t evolved yourself into adulthood, ways in which you are not really functional under stress, patterns of hiding, withholding, and shrinking or collapsing.

These are just basic human things we all need to do, and when you’re put under some kind of extreme stress like a really negative and disruptive kundalini activation, those cracks and underdeveloped parts are going to become really prominent. That’s good in a way, because it’s harder to ignore them, though of course, you can still choose to do that too.

Look at your situation dispassionately. Do you have issues with anxiety or depression? IVF is hellish, you’ve been through a lot. I’m not suggesting you get a Prozac scrip…in fact, none of this should be construed as medical advice.Could the drugs in ayahuasca have induced a manic state?

Yes, yes…it’s plant medicine. What the fuq ever. Let’s be clear…these are powerful psychoactive drugs and nothing in those Come To Peru and Be Healed By Plant Medicine brochures tell you that taking ayahuasca can cause this thing called kindling (yep, a bonafide medical term, folks).

So if you had some kind of underlying condition — one which never included psychosis or full blown mania — taking powerful psychoactive drugs, including ayahuasca, can kindle your condition and kick you up into whatever fabulous next level of that is…including mania and psychotic episodes.

What I’m saying is, it’s not necessarily kundalni or a mental health issue. It can be both, and actually kundalini can activate and amplify existing, underlying emotional, relational and mental health issues.

Have you developed the kind of strong, resilient center of being that can be a refuge? The space that is always okay regardless of circumstances? I don’t mean okay as in happy, either.If so, reconnect with that. Stay grounded in that. That is something I developed long before my kundalini experiences shook my world, and it is what kept me, and keeps me still, from capsizing, regardless of what is happening in my life. It is the ability to own all my space, all my experiences and feelings, regardless of their nature.

When I was in the midst of the most intense and initial kundalini hoo ha, my aim was only ever to keep it from happening in public or in a way that would cause my family needless discomfort. I’ve detailed many of these tactics on this website, so I won’t reiterate all of them here.

I found yoga class was still okay, as long as I didn’t participate in the mantra at the end. I found listening to certain music would bring it on, so I didn’t do that around people. I’ve described my own very weird experience with kundalini and marital sex in another post.

All kundalini experiences are going to be weird. Some of them will be temporarily disabling. Many of them will be momentarily freaky. The way you choose to respond to these experiences is the key. And I said choose, but if you haven’t developed the faculties necessary to choose how you respond, then you will find yourself responding automatically, reflexively — and that’s going to just be a Best Of Rerun show of childhood coping mechanisms and unevolved programs.

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