Reader Question: I experienced Kundalini awakening at the beginning of this year, and I totally lost my touch with reality (saw entities, visited another dimensions, went to the forest intending to find my “alien family”, felt magnetic and energetic fields around me and other people etc. And I used to consider myself quite rational person before this!). When I came back, I noticed that my emotions are gone and also my heart feels hollow. My body used to hold a lot of tensions, and now those tensions are gone (which is positive), but now I feel myself like a nonenergetic mollusk. I just sit and stare with my dysfunctional brain. No isnpiration, no love, no desire for sex, food, achievement or human company. No thoughts. My memory is gone. Time has somehow stopped. Sometimes it is hard to speak. I have lost my job and my capability to paint and create. I thought I would find my “true self” or something like that, but opposite thing happened. I have no sense of self, I exploded in to pieces and cannot make new form of it.
I would need help how to navigate and function in the world again. I have a little daughter, so I cannot stay like this forever. I am afraid that I will soon be completely handicapped and locked out from the society, if I let this process continue. There is resistance, boredom and fear, but they are quite hard to recognize and articulate.
Thank you for your precious blog, it is the only recourse I have found comforting. When I tried to discuss about this with “spiritual” people, they attacked me, or refuse to listen. I was labelled p**chot*c. This is very lonely path.
STRAND: My heart goes out to you in empathy. Not only is your lived experience confusing and challenging at the moment, but people around you are not even willing to hear you. It is indeed a very solitary path. That need not feel lonely, but it can when you feel like you’re in freefall and no one understands you.
I have been Ultra Sensory all my life, so having perceptions that other people don’t is nothing new…I’ve lived with it and integrated it. I see, hear, know and experience all manner of things that others don’t seem to. When I awoke, the Dam broke and it was so intense, but at least I didn’t worry that I was psycho bats. People close to me also knew, at least in some small way, that I was Ultra Sensory…so this intensification of those abilities didn’t trouble them.
If you were not Ultra Sensory before, then suddenly having these experiences might be horribly overwhelming and can turn a once-stable life on its head. Plus, you don’t have years of learning how to process and manage this onslaught of data.
This is a huge topic in itself, and I can’t cover it all here. But I’ll just say a few things that might be helpful in the moment. One is that it’s normal. When you have what you call a Kundalini awakening, it’s not uncommon to suddenly have a bunch of “portals” in your head open that used to be closed. Sometimes this is temporary and sometimes it is permanent. It’s okay.
Next: Not all of the information that comes through those portals is important, or even true or relevant to you. It’s kind of like posting your phone number on the internet…you’re going to suddenly get a lot of calls! Maybe, by chance, someone who actually wants to tell you something important will see this and call you. But you would not be surprised if you got a lot of random calls, right?
For the first couple of years after fully awakening, I would get these intense “upgrades” to my system from time to time. One of the results was becoming way more Ultra Sensory than I ever was before! I had strategies in place for how to handle my original level of sensitivity, but now they were useless, blown out. I received a constant stream of “urgent” information from…everywhere.
It’s urgent to them, sure. But it may not be important at all to you. I learned to close these additional portals to a manageable level. I also learned to put filters up so that I would only receive what was important to me, personally. Also, you must realize that the beings who are communicating reside in a dimension where time is very different to us, so they may be telling you something that is relevant to a hundred years ago, or fifty years from now, etc. It’s essentially useless.
I’m not saying it’s always rubbish. I’m pointing out that if we are not used to this, we tend to automatically, unthinkingly extend a kind of importance and validity to “psychic” communications. We assume it’s important, we assume it’s true, we assume it’s current. We’re kind of naive in this area, and it can lead to a lot of confusion and disorientation.
My advice would be to treat these communications like any other. Please re-read this and really take it in. In your everyday life, you are good at filtering out and assessing the importance of all manner of information. There is no difference in communications that come from “the other side”. Treat them similarly.
As for your brain not working in the usual ways…yes, this is real. Even now, a zillion years on, I have to check several times a day to see what day it is. Only because of work…if I wasn’t working and didn’t need to know, I wouldn’t bother. This is an example of two things: memory (if it’s not super important…and really, what is? ) I don’t hold stuff in my accessible memory. Secondly, my experience of Time is completely altered. The passing of a day feels not much different from the passing of a week. I feel past/future lives and the current life simultaneously sometimes, like they are overlapping. Time is weird for me.
I cannot think the same way I used to. Some extreme examples: there were times when I would suddenly forget how to read (seriously!). Worse, there were times when I was driving that I would forget how to drive. I mean, right in the middle of actually being on the highway, my body memory of how to drive effortlessly without thinking about every move, would vanish! It came back, but I never knew when this would happen.
I could go on and on. This doesn’t happen to everyone, but it can and does happen. My best advice on this is to learn to work around whatever you can. I know it sounds terribly boring, but this is a practical problem. Just because something has a “spiritual” cause, often the resulting problem is a practical one and can be approached with practical solutions. Don’t resist this. There are all kinds of devices and ways that you can, for instance, remind yourself of things you are forgetting, remind yourself to check the time, etc.
It’s like someone who has had a minor stroke. The brain can rewire around the damaged parts, and even though the function may not feel the same or be as effortless, it returns to some degree, and that is the important part. I’m not suggesting we are brain damaged, by the way…I’m just using this as an example of how people encounter similar hurdles in regular life and find ways to deal with them. We are no different and it doesn’t serve us to set ourselves apart somehow because these things are brought on by spiritual events.
And please…do this. Even if you have no motivation. Even if you feel like a mollusk (great imagery, by the way…I’ve definitely felt that way!). The fact that you recognize that this is a problem and that you have a child to consider and that you can see clearly enough that staying this way will result in disaster…tells me you do in fact have the seed of motivation in you. Otherwise you would just be a mollusk instead of merely feeling like one.
Notice what ways your brain is not working. Write them down if necessary. Then devise ways of dealing with it. And whatever you do, don’t spend inordinate amounts of time feeling sorry for yourself or explaining all this to people who are not interested in supporting you. It’s no use, and really just makes you heavier when you need to tackle all this in a practical way. You will have varying degrees of success with your coping strategies…learn to laugh at your failures and acknowledge your wins.
Stop comparing yourself to who you were “before”. There are actual problems and ones that you just make up…this comparison is the latter. Go get a T-shirt custom printed: on the front…”Deal With It!” on the back…”I Love You”. Your new, private twin mottos.
The death of desire is not uncommon. In the end, this is not a problem. Who cares, really, if you do not desire food or sex? As long as you eat something to maintain your health, you will be fine. Sex is not essential to anything. Doing creative things…you will learn to do these once you connect with your authentic self, assuming you do. You may even take up food and sex again with relish!
If you’ve read my posts on motivation, you will understand that at the core everyone is motivated by desire or fear or whatever. And when this goes away, the engine doesn’t automatically convert to running on some other kind of fuel, if you want to think of it that way. So when you turn the ignition, the engine is dead. You lament. It’s natural.
But now what? The old way is passed. Desire is no longer your fuel for anything. Realize that this will affect just about every tiny crevice of your life. That’s how pervasive this Desire thing was. No more. So you need to process that, really digest it. That may mean you need to spend some time mourning your “lost self”. That’s very common. Do that if necessary, but don’t let it become a permanent fixture. Do it and be done. Then turn your face toward Life, get curious about how things are going to work now, in your current state, rather than focusing overly much on how it doesn’t work like it used to.
There is a vast empty space in the center of your being that used to be all stuffed up with your “imaginary self” and all its desires, etc. Now, empty. That feels weird, but it’s okay. It’s just different. When you are ready, take a look with open curiosity. You have your own authentic signature, the fullness of your being. It’s there. Let this fill you and be your fuel. It takes practice. None of this is easy!
But don’t delay. You can stay in this mollusk state for a long time, until it practically becomes some kind of new normal. Don’t do this! It’s totally unnecessary and can lead to very disastrous results in your practical life. This isn’t easy, but it does get easier as you make headway. Keep your sense of humor, it will save you. Honestly, sometimes all you can do is laugh. Some things feel out of your control, fine. But everything you can take command of and work on…do. Joy will return, but it may never again be based on the same things, like fulfillment of desire, as it used to. That’s okay. If you need to have an example, use me! I was just as much a mollusk as yourself! Truly. And still I struggle with this sometimes, reorganizing my brain and motivation, restructuring. Just when I get used to things as they are, my system will change levels (again!) and I need to figure out how the new life works. But here I am. No one could call me joyless or a mollusk. You can do this.
Start with simple things, but start.
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