You made a lot of statements in your question that merit inquiry and perhaps clarification. But they are not really the point of your question. You had one path, one goal: immortality.
Some people will find the notion of seeking immortality amusing, ridiculous or even anti-spiritual. I don’t know why you were seeking immortality, so I can’t comment on your motives. For my part, I can firmly say that if I’m going to keep showing up to this party, I’d much prefer to skip the infancy/childhood bit entirely and just get down to business.
So for me, immortality would be in some ways just more practical, and definitely preferable to say, having to be 12 again, and again, and again. If that isn’t hell, I’m not sure what is. Though, in this age of technology, where you can verify identity through DNA and biometrics, this would pose some issues with “refreshing” your identity so that no one knew you were just carrying on in the same body. So, there are some serious practical hurdles, even if you could actually continue in your present incarnation indefinitely, or until you decided to leave it.
But you say your preference has changed, quite dramatically, it seems. One of those statements you made that I will just take at face value for the sake of this response is that you’ve experienced Nirvana. Or been there, as it were. And experiencing that state of non-existence has left you feeling that all around you is unreal, people are unreal and you are unable to find any tether, any motivation to remain on this side of the fence, the side of Existence. And without that tether, that motivation, you will simply dissolve. You want to know what stops me from wanting to dissolve, in the face of the suffering inherent on this side of the fence, the side we call Existence.
Let’s take this apart. First, I know exactly what it’s like to move toward dissolution. People might be surprised at this, but it takes a lot of energy, a lot of constant magical endeavor to hold the spell together that we call Existence. To hold our selves in the vibration of Existence takes constant energy and work, the mechanism needs to constantly be working, or else we dissolve out of it. So one doesn’t work to get out of Existence, one just stops working continuously to remain in the frequency of Existence. Then you dissolve. It might be really fast or it might take a week or a couple months. But you dissolve. You can physically dissolve, or your awareness dissolves and some other awareness that wants to participate in Existence will move in. I suppose some people can also just die, though I’m not as familiar with that.
There was a point where I stopped working the Existence spell. I didn’t stop on purpose, it was just a side effect of awakening. I became very light and some people even experienced me as being kind of…transparent. It’s hard to describe. But it was clear that if things kept on, I would dissolve, and soon. I didn’t really have any feelings or opinions about that. I didn’t move toward or away from it. it just was.
I’ve shared this story before, so I’ll just stick to the salient parts here. At some point I remembered something. Something I had forgotten. I remembered coming here, to this incarnation. I remembered being another kind of being altogether. Humanoid, yes, but different. Not exactly corporeal, at least, not in the way we are here. I remembered the place I come from, and the other “people” who populate this place and make up my race.
Among these people, not many are able to come here and incarnate, and of those who can, not many choose to because…well, because it’s really hard to be here. Especially for us. We are not really physical, so we are not subject to things like pain, hunger, the struggle to survive. Suffering of this nature is unknown to us. And yet, our world and this world have a connection. I happen to be one of those people who can come and who choose to come.
I remember choosing to come again, and being really excited to do it. Not because it would be fun or anything. But there is apparently something I do when I’m here, something my being here accomplishes. And it must be worth it, or I wouldn’t keep doing it! And I have done. I’ve come from the very beginning, when there weren’t even people or living things and there were only primordial energies. I came and worked with those, experienced those. And I’ve come again and again, and I will continue to do so.
When it was time for me to come, this time, my people gathered around me and supported me while I did this special trick. It takes a lot to get formulated into this particular part of the Dream.
So I projected myself into this life, into this dream, on the Earth, and all that. But I am simultaneously still in my own “realm” (such a lame word, sorry). I’m still at home with my peeps, and I’m also here. Just like when you are sleeping and you are dreaming of being on a mountain, you are simultaneously in your bed and on a mountain. Only, at home, I’m not asleep. I don’t need to be asleep in order to maintain my projection.
I came here on purpose. It wasn’t a random accident that I need to seek to remedy by shooting myself into Nirvana. In fact, I (the Myself that is home and projecting me here) was at once laughing at my Dissolving Predicament, and also a little annoyed. Like, your Tamaguchi pet has become Enlightened and is now going to Nirvana! It’s kind of cute really, but it does rather fuq up the whole plan, the whole reason the projection was sent.
So I had a choice. I could either PGTOW (projections going their own way) it and dissolve, or…stay true to my OG. I’m the projection, and while I do have autonomy, I also am a projection of the heart and intentions and love of my OG self. We are not actually separate. Which is odd to try to wrap one’s head around, I know.
I’m speaking about what keeps me from dissolving. I came here at will, with intent and in total freedom. My being here, even with all the suffering and brutality and…well, poor design, shall we call it, is not some unfortunate state from which I need to seek relief. I don’t need a reason not to dissolve, in that my reason is not to do good for others or gather up some experience for myself, or whatever. I don’t need a motivation to keep me tethered.
What I need to do is get damn good at being here, because it’s somewhere I come all the time! Over and over, I make the effort and the arduous journey to be here. The better I get at being here, the easier it is for my future/next vehicle or incarnation. So I owe it to her/them…to be a pro. Nothing is wasted. (except all that 12 yo business…definitely wasted!)
My case is, well…mine. This is apparently not business as usual. So let’s get down to you and your own Dissolution Dilemma.
First, you are drawn toward dissolution and I totally understand that. It’s like a magnet that cannot be resisted. Only, it can. And may I add, you ARE resisting it. Why else pay a stranger fifty bucks to explain to you why you shouldn’t dissolve? To give you some possible reason to tether yourself to this spell? Why?
That’s not a rhetorical question, by the way. Why? Why don’t you just go? There already is a reason, which is why you contacted me. You’re looking for it. But you’ve already got it, or else you would have just dissolved already.
Believe me, people who have no reason to stay just go off and dissolve. It’s the easiest thing to do, if you are already in the magnet zone.
So, you tell me? What’s your reason? What’s the hangup? Why are you still here? Why are you looking for a reason not to go?
As for people and whatnot being unreal…that’s really disconcerting in the beginning, but stops being so unless you become overly focused and fascinated and obsessed with the idea. In your dream, people aren’t real. But if they throw a rock at your head, it still hurts. That’s real enough. Try being gang raped in your dream. Real enough?
So there is this dissonant unreality, and yet there is also this very tangible reality to people, objects, whatever. Not black and white. Not real or unreal. If you are going to hang in this place, the only sane spot to do it is balanced in the middle, where it’s both and, not either or. Duality makes you crazy and stupid. Not you, specifically, but all of us real non real dream inhabitants.
It’s okay. When you first see that everything is unreal, whereas you believed it was totally real before, all you can focus on is what is new, which is this feeling of Unreal. But if you relax and let that sink in and then stop fondling it (the idea of it) unconsciously all day and all night, it will cease to matter. It just doesn’t matter. It’s a newbie issue that resolves naturally and effortlessly unless you hold onto it for dear life and squeeze it to death.
While you’re pondering all this…dissolve/remain…real/unreal…may I suggest you stop doing stupid sh*t like, well, spending too much money. Or whatever sh*t habits or less than functional behaviors or decisions that you’re ascribing to this phase you find yourself in. Being spiritually disoriented is really no excuse to stop making sound decisions or fail at being a fully functioning adult. If you let it, the phase will pass and you’ll either dissolve or stay and be a little more stable with the whole “nothing is real” awareness. And believe me, if you stay, your future dream self will be thankful that you didn’t go on a crazy spending bender or have unprotected sex with…anyone, or rack up a bunch of DUIs or eat nothing but ice cream and crisps for a couple years while you figure it out. You know?