Reader Question: I really seem to attract men. But if I get intimate with them, some difficulties start to arise.
I’m trying to see someone, but I’m a bit confused. Is it possible, that some kind of high frequency of mine could cause impotence in men?
To be precise, they get “it” up, but cannot ejaculate. Or is it just this universally loving presence that causes all kinds of weird emotional reactions? If it is so, that my presence/frequency causes this, I may have to try to find someone who is asexual if I want a relationship ever again.
This started to happen after my awakening. For me it’s almost impossible to have an orgasm.
This man who I’m trying to date, is really sweet and I like him a lot. At first he gets exited and feels passionate, but after a while his masculine energy/sex drive fades away. His drive just melts. Exactly the same pattern happened to me with another guy also. For me it looks like they are having difficulties with releasing energy outwards and ejaculate. It looks quite a struggle.
The guy I like blames himself, of course, and started to talk if it’s better just be friends, because we don’t match sexually. It makes me sad, because I like being intimate, even though orgasms are trivial for me.
I’m trying to keep my everyday life rolling, and experiment how to live life again…it has been interesting so far. But no matter what I do, I’m starting to lose my status as a human being, and I’m almost ready to move to the cave. Permanently.
When people don’t know me, they get extremely fascinated, but quite soon they just disappear, without warning. My closest friends and family members don’t invite me to spend time with them anymore. People avoid eye contact with me.
I’m forgetting how to play human! If I try, it looks just twice as weird.
I’m some kind of glowing statue that puts people to narcosis…Only on kids I don’t seem to affect.
I feel other people’s energy only occasionally. Most of the time I only feel my own energy, because it is quite strong and moves always outwards.
Yesterday I went to a lecture of the teacher, who has spent years with Amma. He talked how enlightened people are, and then he suddenly looked at me, and I felt some kind of energetic boom hitting me. Not hard, but I felt it. I was thinking if he recognized something about me.
On the other day I felt energy of a random guy so strong and literally magnetic, that I felt urge to spin around in a circle. (I managed to resist it, because this happened in a grocery store, of course…)
I’m not sure what people experience around me. I just read body gestures (I’m not ultra sensory, so this information does not come to me so straight). Some people may immediately leave the room, others get sexually attracted (I just know this, but HOW and which sense, I do not know. Maybe I see their largened pupils in a millisecond. Some men just STARE). Others look goofy with their foggy eyes and a big smiles (fun, though!). My therapist gets sleepy.
I wonder if my energy is somehow intrusive. It’s not as explosive as during kundalini, it is much more smooth now. But I mean, I sometimes feel that even my relatives are sexually attracted to me, and it is really terrible and disturbing. And god damn, male dogs.. (Sorry that you had to hear this…)
I’m not sure what is replacing my human mask. Sometimes I feel that I don’t dare to think about it too much. (If I don’t want to think something, I just put it away). But well, sometimes if a see myself from a monitor of a shop, or from a photo, I see some kind of lizard. My eyes are sometimes so sharp that they look like a predators eyes, or something. I don’t think I’m turning to reptilian, but the connotations are quite archetypal and not always very human. During kundalini I felt myself angelic, and the sensation was always associated with colour blue.
Sometimes I think that this is some kind of narcissistic delusion I’m experiencing, and it just strengthened my fragile ego, and I never got “rid” of it at the first place. I don’t want to be seen as some kind of a vamp. I don’t enjoy attention in general, but I just seem to attract it.
I also see that I might have access to pretty terrible and manipulative behaviour, if I would like to behave unethically. I could lie without blinking an eye. This is quite powerful phenomenon.. Geesh! Now I understand what you mean by riding a Lambo.
STRAND: Even though there seem to be a few different issues in your question, they all really boil down to two things. Your energy, and how you’re handling it.
First let’s acknowledge that you’re still really new to this. You’re not stabilized. You’re like someone who has just been thrust into puberty, in a sense.
I want you to check yourself when you make sweeping, dramatic, “forever” proclamations during this transition time when things are still new. Examples? Thinking the only way you can have a relationship from now on is with asexual men (good luck with that!). Feeling that you are just about ready to move permanently into “cave mode”.
Even if you haven’t parented a newly minted teenager, you’ve been one, and you can recall back to all the big, sweeping, slightly hysterical proclamations you made then. We don’t let 13-year-olds take long term decisions, like getting tattoos (at least where I live), for good reason. They have urgent, hormone-induced feelings. Those feelings often soften, settle or disappear with time. The tattoo, not so much!
So let’s just admit that you’ve got a long way to go in terms of learning how to grow into these changes. Some of the changes may stabilize and lessen over time on their own. Some, you’ll need to work, experiment and work some more to learn to control, to tame, to manage. And you are just at the beginning of this. You’ve no idea how much easier or smoother things could be in a year or two if you take the right steps.
Let’s talk about sex. You can’t orgasm anymore, but you say this is not a problem for you. But you’d still like to be sexually intimate. That’s great, and you can. But this might be a problem until you get your energy under control.
I was married when this happened, and my husband was patient and understanding and we had a very close and stable relationship. But if I was looking to establish a new partner at that time, while I was in transition with my energy, I don’t think it would have gone so well at all.
If you really want to have a romantic relationship, this should be a very good motivation to learn to manage your new energy, or as I put it in a previous post, go from riding a bike to driving a Lambo.
This mastery doesn’t happen overnight, but it absolutely can happen. And you don’t need to be perfect at it before you can have a sexual relationship with a man — but you need to get it under control enough so you don’t overpattern him to the point he loses his erection every time.
So, everyone except children are sexually attracted to you, even male dogs! Even your family members! I can relate to how perplexing and disturbing this can be. It sounds like you’re exuding what I call the Round Energy. It’s not actually sexual at all, but it gets interpreted by people’s brains that way.
Some people will think you are coming on to them, when you are absolutely not. Some people will be sexually drawn to you, not because they want to be (in the case of your family), but because this is an involuntary reaction. Even children can be powerfully drawn to you, only their brains don’t sexualize this frequency, so they might just find you particularly interesting or inviting instead.
I have been completely celibate for over a decade and I used to be floored when people misread my energy as being very sexual. Women I just met would feel compelled to blurt out that they are not lesbian, and I’d wonder what the hell that was about. I wasn’t doing anything at all, not in look or gesture or conversation. Men would think I was inviting and welcoming a sexual advance from them, and I had no idea why.
It’s purely the energy I put out, without even meaning to. It’s the new way I sit in and “wear” my body. It’s the penetrating intensity of my attention. It’s the Love/Open/Inclusion energy that is part of the Round Energy complex. It’s the wide open way I regard people when I’m interacting with them. And even when I’m not interacting with them directly, my energy goes out in all directions. It’s the weirdness of being Full and Blank at the same time that makes people drawn to me, freaked out by me, want to come near, want to run escape, want to tell me their deepest feelings one minute and want to pretend I don’t exist the next. Yes, it’s all very weird.
I’ve learned to do a lot of things that are important and hugely helpful for dealing with people and managing relationships after enlightenment.
I don’t take myself or anyone else very seriously. I know people will act weird. I know most of the time they just can’t help it. I know sometimes I’m going to forget and let my energy “out” a little and I’m not always going to get it right. I know it’s a work in process. And I just don’t take any of it seriously. I don’t make a big deal out of anything that is not, in fact, a big deal. And once you grow up, you can tell the difference between what is a big deal and what isn’t.
I accidentally pull people into a hypnotic trance when I talk to them, especially one on one. This is terrible, and this is what you mean when you say your therapist gets sleepy around you. You can do it to a single person or a group of people, without even intending to. It’s hugely annoying. When I speak to people in person, I try to keep eye contact to a minimum. I can trance a person out in one second flat with eye contact! So I avoid it, which often looks a little weird, I know, but it beats the hell out of realizing that, once again, the person you are talking to is in a glazed over trance state. I have developed some other techniques to avoid this, like voice modulation, breaking focus with hand gestures, etc. I’m constantly working to refine this…none of this is a final product. It is a lifelong endeavor.
I have learned to draw my energy very close to me when dealing with people. I know my energy tends to move out through specific areas of my body, like my heart, throat, eyes and hands. So I am especially careful to keep these areas as closed as I can. It’s not perfect, but if I focus I can often knock my output down by half.
I am very careful not to grope people energetically. Because if I turn my attention to a person, my natural, Ultra Sensory feelers go out and pat them down. I don’t do that on purpose. To me it’s like focusing your eyes on parts of a person’s face or what they are wearing. Only, I do that with a different sense. Now that I know, I try to keep that to a minimum, but that is very much like telling someone to close their eyes when they talk to people…it’s very unnatural.
I’ve learned to slow down my energy around people so it’s more dense. I actually find their energy and then try to match it, which I can’t but that brings me way down. This is particularly useful.
I practice common dialogue (because people often just repeat the same hand full of questions in conversation — whether you’re talking to the president or a taxi driver). I practice the facial expressions that look most natural. At first it was hard and really awkward to play human. As you said, the more I tried, the more weird my performance! But I was dedicated and kept at it, and now I am much more proficient. If it’s actually important to you, you can do it. It takes time and attention to detail. You have to keep analyzing your performance to see what worked well and what you still need to adjust. It’s that simple.
You were a child once and you learned to be an adult. You learned to say the right things, with the right expressions, using the acceptable tones and gestures. You already learned this once, it was not natural. You just need to learn it again.
And here’s the thing. You say you do not like attention and on some surface level that may be true. But if you look deeper I think you’ll find that you do. Not because you want to be the center of attention per se. But you are going through changes that are so nuts, so unprecedented and things you can’t even share with anyone. When people react to you, even if you don’t like their reaction itself, the fact that they are reacting to you is a validation that what you are going through is real. Your experience is being validated.
So as long as you have this need to have others validate your experience, you will be quite bothered by all this “attention”. Once you no longer need that validation, whether the attention is there or not — it won’t be important, it won’t be very interesting to you. It might still exist, but you will not perceive it as a problem or a big deal of any kind.
Another perverse thing to note: people who are newly awakened or who are still in early transition from kundalini activation (which is not the same as enlightenment, but shares many of the weird after effects) are the most self-absorbed people in the world. At least, while they are in that teenage state. Eventually, hopefully, they grow up, spiritually. And they become awakened Adults and not just awakened Teenagers. It’s not guaranteed though.
It hardly makes any sense, does it? That when you are losing your sense of “I”, of personhood, that you would actually become so completely wrapped up in every nuance and detail of your “new” experience of life. Your new inner landscape. Your new status/situation relative to every one else.
It’s just like a teenager. Oh my god, they get one single hair bursting out of their armpit and the entire world has tilted on its axis! They can’t stop looking at it, every chance they get. They think about that single hair all day, all night. They are changing. And it’s a real, significant change. They will not go backwards from this change, it is irrevocably forward into man or womanhood from here. So it is important…the change. But the hair…not so much.
But it’s totally understandable, right? It’s understandable that you are going to be kind of obsessed and self absorbed at this time. A hair springs forth while you are sleeping and you wake to see this curly weird thing. What the hell else are you supposed to think about? And guess what, suddenly men look at you differently! Yes, even as a 13 -14 year old, if you are developing secondary sex traits, they are suddenly looking at you in “that” way, which you have never experienced as a child. How weird was that? Yet…you got over it. You learned to live with it and in time it was no longer a big deal.
I wouldn’t say you are a narcissist. This is a phase that you are meant to move through and then grow out of. If a woman is still obsessed with her breasts at the age of 20, this is some kind of emotional retardation. But at 13…hell yes!
After a while, if you let it, all of this will become more or less normal, plus you’ll get much better at dealing with it. As a teenage girl, you learn how powerful your new sexual status is and you learn to manage how you let that flow into the world. You can’t be innocent of it, you need to accept it, learn how it affects people and what the consequences are and you need to learn how to be adult about it. Think about that compared to the amazing freedom of being a little girl where you could do whatever and run around wild and flirt with everyone innocently. Sure, it’s a burden in some ways to lose that freedom and become a woman, but since you have zero choice in the matter anyway, best to get good at it, and fast.
You wonder if your energy is intrusive. Yes, it is.
And no, you will not master that right away. You need to pay attention and practice all the time. But here’s the difficulty…
The incredible, angelic love energy that is pouring through you gives you nourishment, pleasure and soul-level joy. It is the expression of your connection with the source of all life.
To pass as human, to make other people feel more or less comfortable with you, to avoid people becoming addicted to you (in fact they don’t care about you much at all, but they are wildly addicted to that flow that comes through you) — you need to turn that flow way, way down. At first that seems impossible, like trying to stop the tides of the ocean with your hands. But in time you can learn to turn it down.
But when you do, the side effect is that you lose some of that nourishment, that direct plug in to source, that ecstasy.
The natural state of this energy is to flow through you (it does not come from you) and out in a powerful motion to everything in your vicinity, everything your attention falls on, and even people you know at a great distance. It feels both life giving and nourishing and also sometimes annihilating at the same time. It’s an amazing thing to be a conduit of a pure, unobstructed flow of this energy.
To reduce it is painful. It is a loss. In a perfect world, you would not need to do this. People around you would say, “Oh my god, she’s Flowing!” And they would be happy and celebrate, and they would adjust and make space for that flow, even if you were kind of awkward at first.
I was very fortunate because even if everyone else got weird around me, my family took it all in stride. My husband and daughter said it’s amazing but ultimately you’re still you and we’ll all adjust…and celebrate, and not take it all too seriously. I could at least be loved and safe and totally at ease at home, and that was a huge blessing…the greatest gift they could have given me.
But in the world, I needed to cut this flow down, and that is definitely a loss for me. I don’t focus on that, because there is no point. My husband is dead and my daughter is grown. There is no cave reserved for me, so I’m in the world and planning to be more in the world as life goes on. When I’m alone, the flow is maximum, so I do tend to spend a lot of time alone. But I also don’t seclude myself out of fear or any terrible discomfort with people. I’ve made it my priority to walk in all worlds.
Darling, it is a solitary path and a lot of work to figure stuff out. May as well get started with that now. And don’t worry that you’re going through a phase of “spiritual adolescence”. It’s to be expected. Ground yourself, be patient, know that now may not be the best time to start romantic relationships and that all your relationships with people may be really weird for a little while. It doesn’t need to be a permanent problem.
As for realizing you have the power to do unethical things to people, this is real. I’m so glad you came to this understanding early. People can be terribly drawn to newly awakened people, they can be so charismatic — that angelic energy, as you put it, can really have an affect on people. But you see how vulnerable the human mind/emotion system is. It can be hacked so very easily, and when we tap into this energy we’re running, we see how easy it would be to do it. Really, sometimes I think the newly awakened should be sequestered and put through a mandatory crash course on their new state of affairs! Because the ones that are not aware of this ability to influence could knowingly, or even unknowingly use this power in ways that are regrettable. This is where one’s essential nobility steps in. But not everyone has this, and enlightenment (oddly, unexpectedly) does not always come with an impeccable ethical compass.
Back to your boy issue. You’re going to need to practice harnessing your energy to flow up your central channel and not out and into and all over your partner, who is just going to lose his erection! You’ve been letting this run sloppy all over the place. Draw it in and run it upwards during sex.
When you are not having sex, you can create a closed circuit within your body (which actually extends out from your body a little). This way the energy is flowing up one side and down the other and then up again and down again…try to get that into a steady, even flow. That’s easier said than done, but once you master this you will find it makes a lot of “issues” go away.
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You suffer because of your programming, and because you don't have command of yourself.
You'd like to be relieved of this suffering.
You don't want to do the work to deprogram yourself (because, perversely, the program is protecting itself by making that path seem vague or unappealing).
You need to feel like you are pursuing a solution, and you've latched onto the one that is most unlikely (statistically) to occur anytime soon...enlightenment.
And...you also have a sincere calling toward spirituality, but this content has been thrown in the compulsion machine, so it's hard for you to separate what part of this is really you and what is just a product of the machine.
My suggestion would be to make enlightenment a neat side interest and pursue deprogramming like everything—and I mean everything—is riding on it. This will be ridiculously hard. Not because it is so difficult or complicated, but because your programming will do everything to prevent you doing this.