STRAND Answer

Even though there seem to be a few different issues in your question, they all really boil down to two things. Your energy, and how you’re handling it.

First let’s acknowledge that you’re still really new to this. You’re not stabilized. You’re like someone who has just been thrust into puberty, in a sense.

I want you to check yourself when you make sweeping, dramatic, “forever” proclamations during this transition time when things are still new. Examples? Thinking the only way you can have a relationship from now on is with asexual men (good luck with that!). Feeling that you are just about ready to move permanently into “cave mode”.

Even if you haven’t parented a newly minted teenager, you’ve been one, and you can recall back to all the big, sweeping, slightly hysterical proclamations you made then. We don’t let 13-year-olds take long term decisions, like getting tattoos (at least where I live), for good reason. They have urgent, hormone-induced feelings. Those feelings often soften, settle or disappear with time. The tattoo, not so much!

So let’s just admit that you’ve got a long way to go in terms of learning how to grow into these changes. Some of the changes may stabilize and lessen over time on their own. Some, you’ll need to work, experiment and work some more to learn to control, to tame, to manage. And you are just at the beginning of this. You’ve no idea how much easier or smoother things could be in a year or two if you take the right steps.

Let’s talk about sex. You can’t orgasm anymore, but you say this is not a problem for you. But you’d still like to be sexually intimate. That’s great, and you can. But this might be a problem until you get your energy under control.

I was married when this happened, and my husband was patient and understanding and we had a very close and stable relationship. But if I was looking to establish a new partner at that time, while I was in transition with my energy, I don’t think it would have gone so well at all.

If you really want to have a romantic relationship, this should be a very good motivation to learn to manage your new energy, or as I put it in a previous post, go from riding a bike to driving a Lambo.

This mastery doesn’t happen overnight, but it absolutely can happen. And you don’t need to be perfect at it before you can have a sexual relationship with a man — but you need to get it under control enough so you don’t overpattern him to the point he loses his erection every time.

So, everyone except children are sexually attracted to you, even male dogs! Even your family members! I can relate to how perplexing and disturbing this can be. It sounds like you’re exuding what I call the Round Energy. It’s not actually sexual at all, but it gets interpreted by people’s brains that way.

Some people will think you are coming on to them, when you are absolutely not. Some people will be sexually drawn to you, not because they want to be (in the case of your family), but because this is an involuntary reaction. Even children can be powerfully drawn to you, only their brains don’t sexualize this frequency, so they might just find you particularly interesting or inviting instead.

I have been completely celibate for over a decade and I used to be floored when people misread my energy as being very sexual. Women I just met would feel compelled to blurt out that they are not lesbian, and I’d wonder what the hell that was about. I wasn’t doing anything at all, not in look or gesture or conversation. Men would think I was inviting and welcoming a sexual advance from them, and I had no idea why.

It’s purely the energy I put out, without even meaning to. It’s the new way I sit in and “wear” my body. It’s the penetrating intensity of my attention. It’s the Love/Open/Inclusion energy that is part of the Round Energy complex. It’s the wide open way I regard people when I’m interacting with them. And even when I’m not interacting with them directly, my energy goes out in all directions. It’s the weirdness of being Full and Blank at the same time that makes people drawn to me, freaked out by me, want to come near, want to run escape, want to tell me their deepest feelings one minute and want to pretend I don’t exist the next. Yes, it’s all very weird.

I’ve learned to do a lot of things that are important and hugely helpful for dealing with people and managing relationships after enlightenment.

I don’t take myself or anyone else very seriously. I know people will act weird. I know most of the time they just can’t help it. I know sometimes I’m going to forget and let my energy “out” a little and I’m not always going to get it right. I know it’s a work in process. And I just don’t take any of it seriously. I don’t make a big deal out of anything that is not, in fact, a big deal. And once you grow up, you can tell the difference between what is a big deal and what isn’t.

I accidentally pull people into a hypnotic trance when I talk to them, especially one on one. This is terrible, and this is what you mean when you say your therapist gets sleepy around you. You can do it to a single person or a group of people, without even intending to. It’s hugely annoying. When I speak to people in person, I try to keep eye contact to a minimum. I can trance a person out in one second flat with eye contact! So I avoid it, which often looks a little weird, I know, but it beats the hell out of realizing that, once again, the person you are talking to is in a glazed over trance state. I have developed some other techniques to avoid this, like voice modulation, breaking focus with hand gestures, etc. I’m constantly working to refine this…none of this is a final product. It is a lifelong endeavor.

I have learned to draw my energy very close to me when dealing with people. I know my energy tends to move out through specific areas of my body, like my heart, throat, eyes and hands. So I am especially careful to keep these areas as closed as I can. It’s not perfect, but if I focus I can often knock my output down by half.

I am very careful not to grope people energetically. Because if I turn my attention to a person, my natural, Ultra Sensory feelers go out and pat them down. I don’t do that on purpose. To me it’s like focusing your eyes on parts of a person’s face or what they are wearing. Only, I do that with a different sense. Now that I know, I try to keep that to a minimum, but that is very much like telling someone to close their eyes when they talk to people…it’s very unnatural.

I’ve learned to slow down my energy around people so it’s more dense. I actually find their energy and then try to match it, which I can’t but that brings me way down. This is particularly useful.

I practice common dialogue (because people often just repeat the same hand full of questions in conversation — whether you’re talking to the president or a taxi driver). I practice the facial expressions that look most natural. At first it was hard and really awkward to play human. As you said, the more I tried, the more weird my performance! But I was dedicated and kept at it, and now I am much more proficient. If it’s actually important to you, you can do it. It takes time and attention to detail. You have to keep analyzing your performance to see what worked well and what you still need to adjust. It’s that simple.

You were a child once and you learned to be an adult. You learned to say the right things, with the right expressions, using the acceptable tones and gestures. You already learned this once, it was not natural. You just need to learn it again.

And here’s the thing. You say you do not like attention and on some surface level that may be true. But if you look deeper I think you’ll find that you do. Not because you want to be the center of attention per se. But you are going through changes that are so nuts, so unprecedented and things you can’t even share with anyone. When people react to you, even if you don’t like their reaction itself, the fact that they are reacting to you is a validation that what you are going through is real. Your experience is being validated.

So as long as you have this need to have others validate your experience, you will be quite bothered by all this “attention”. Once you no longer need that validation, whether the attention is there or not — it won’t be important, it won’t be very interesting to you. It might still exist, but you will not perceive it as a problem or a big deal of any kind.

Another perverse thing to note: people who are newly awakened or who are still in early transition from kundalini activation (which is not the same as enlightenment, but shares many of the weird after effects) are the most self-absorbed people in the world. At least, while they are in that teenage state. Eventually, hopefully, they grow up, spiritually. And they become awakened Adults and not just awakened Teenagers. It’s not guaranteed though.

It hardly makes any sense, does it? That when you are losing your sense of “I”, of personhood, that you would actually become so completely wrapped up in every nuance and detail of your “new” experience of life. Your new inner landscape. Your new status/situation relative to every one else.

It’s just like a teenager. Oh my god, they get one single hair bursting out of their armpit and the entire world has tilted on its axis! They can’t stop looking at it, every chance they get. They think about that single hair all day, all night. They are changing. And it’s a real, significant change. They will not go backwards from this change, it is irrevocably forward into man or womanhood from here. So it is important…the change. But the hair…not so much.

But it’s totally understandable, right? It’s understandable that you are going to be kind of obsessed and self absorbed at this time. A hair springs forth while you are sleeping and you wake to see this curly weird thing. What the hell else are you supposed to think about? And guess what, suddenly men look at you differently! Yes, even as a 13 -14 year old, if you are developing secondary sex traits, they are suddenly looking at you in “that” way, which you have never experienced as a child. How weird was that? Yet…you got over it. You learned to live with it and in time it was no longer a big deal.

I wouldn’t say you are a narcissist. This is a phase that you are meant to move through and then grow out of. If a woman is still obsessed with her breasts at the age of 20, this is some kind of emotional retardation. But at 13…hell yes!

After a while, if you let it, all of this will become more or less normal, plus you’ll get much better at dealing with it. As a teenage girl, you learn how powerful your new sexual status is and you learn to manage how you let that flow into the world. You can’t be innocent of it, you need to accept it, learn how it affects people and what the consequences are and you need to learn how to be adult about it. Think about that compared to the amazing freedom of being a little girl where you could do whatever and run around wild and flirt with everyone innocently. Sure, it’s a burden in some ways to lose that freedom and become a woman, but since you have zero choice in the matter anyway, best to get good at it, and fast.

You wonder if your energy is intrusive. Yes, it is.

And no, you will not master that right away. You need to pay attention and practice all the time. But here’s the difficulty…

The incredible, angelic love energy that is pouring through you gives you nourishment, pleasure and soul-level joy. It is the expression of your connection with the source of all life.

To pass as human, to make other people feel more or less comfortable with you, to avoid people becoming addicted to you (in fact they don’t care about you much at all, but they are wildly addicted to that flow that comes through you) — you need to turn that flow way, way down. At first that seems impossible, like trying to stop the tides of the ocean with your hands. But in time you can learn to turn it down.

But when you do, the side effect is that you lose some of that nourishment, that direct plug in to source, that ecstasy.